It is with a solemn and heavy heart that I report the passing of Blofeld iPhone, aged 4 months. Blofeld and I met at an Apple Store in Long Island. He came into my life after General Zod was mortally wounded during a night of debauchery upon All Hallows Eve. Now, I fear that Blofeld, my trusty iPhone, has been lost.
I ventured into the wilds of Brooklyn with him yesterday, with him ensconced in the pocket of my overcoat. Upon my arrival at the office, he was gone. Accident reconstructionists posit that Blofeld was lost when I was digging my car out from a snowbank (possibly while putting my overcoat and suit jacket into the back of my car).
There is an emptiness, a panic, a sensation of the loss of a limb, that accompanies the loss of an iPhone. One cannot check email with such simplicity. One cannot call with such ease. One cannot navigate or find a keyring under a table with such dependability as with an iPhone. He (and his predecessor iPhones) have been such a part of my life that I cannot imagine getting along without one.
Initial cursory search & rescue efforts took place at 9:00 a.m. yesterday when I was able to call my phone and have it ring four times. Following my return home, a full search & rescue effort was undertaken to no avail. At approximately 9:00 p.m., the search & rescue mission was ended. No body retrieval efforts were undertaken following 10:00 p.m. and Blofeld is presumed dead. Blofeld the iPhone has been taken from me a victim of the Snopocalypse.
Ever the faithful servant, he was a conduit and a mediator and a facilitator of communication. Though his ability to maintain a telephone connection was not entirely true, he nevertheless provided me with hours of entertainment, information, and enjoyment.
Matthew Baron is determined to find his iPhone, Blofeld
The greatest wingman possible, he accompanied me upon my Dionysian adventures in revelry. He was always there to settle a dispute about filmic quotations or the minutiae of sporting trivia. He could be counted upon to mediate these disputes fairly and in an unbiased fashion and he was respected by all as being the final authority of all things trivial. He was proficient with The Wikipedia and the Googles.
Although Blofeld did not always provide the best routes, he was generally a dependable navigator. From his home upon my dashboard, he illuminated my route and allowed me to find my way upon my pub crawls.
Of all the smartphone interfaces I have encountered in my travels, his was the most
Intuitive.
Why? Why are the innocent punished? Why the sacrifice? Why the pain? There arent any promises. Nothing certain. Only that some get called, some get saved. Blofeld wont ever know the hardship and grief for those of us left behind.
And so O Almighty Apple, we commit this iPhone 3G[s] to the void with a glad heart. We commend his SIM chip to thee, o Steve Jobs; in sure and certain hope of the restoration unto proper working order, through our Operating System, OS Snow Leopard 10.6.2 and the Backup saved in iTunes. Amen.
In lieu of flowers, please send donations to the Matthew Baron Needs A New iPhone Foundation.
Source: mobilelocalsocial.com
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Tags: Initial cursory search, Matthew Baron, new iphone foundation, trusty iPhone